


The Agatean Wall

by necropants



Category: Discworld - Terry Pratchett
Genre: Fake/Pretend Relationship, M/M, Sharing a Bed
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-16
Updated: 2017-11-16
Packaged: 2019-02-03 03:10:18
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 809
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12739809
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/necropants/pseuds/necropants
Summary: On a diplomatic trip to Agatea, it turns out Vetinari isn't entirely infallible.





	The Agatean Wall

**Author's Note:**

> I posted this to a writing meme at the beginning of June, but I only just got around to cleaning it up and posting it now. Editing block, man.

Even for a man of Vetinari’s considerable intellect, conducting diplomacy in a language one had merely learned out of outdated textbooks as a schoolboy presented a considerable challenge. “This is my esteemed colleague, His Grace, His Excellency, The Duke of Ankh, Commander Sir Samuel Vimes of the Ankh-Morpork City Watch,” was certainly what he thought he’d said to Grand Vizier Twoflower. (He’d never have passed up a chance to introduce Vimes by his full title.)

However, Sir Samuel’s interpreter was saying something quite different. “This is my dear partner, His Grace --”

“‘Scuse me?” Vimes blurted out.

The Vizier just beamed. “You must tell me all about how you two met!”

* * *

As they trailed behind the Vizier on a tour of the People's Gardens Formerly Known As The Imperial Gardens, Vimes demanded, “What was all that about your darling partner?”

“‘Dear’.” The word hung in the air awkwardly. Vetinari quickly added, “Not ‘darling’. That wasn’t what I meant, but I’m afraid my Agatean is a bit out of date. But if I explain my mistake to him, I’ll look like a fool and he’ll likely feel embarrassed as well. And the Agateans find the Morporkian taboo on homosexuality rather backwards. They’re likely to think better of us for this.”

“You sure it was a mistake?” Vimes growled.

“Of course. I’d never have done that on purpose.” It wasn’t that he didn’t like Vimes. Quite the contrary, unfortunately.

“So... how are we gonna tell him we met?”

“Perhaps we could merely stretch the truth. You saved my life on several occasions, naturally I’d have grown fond of you...”

Vetinari couldn’t entirely read Vimes’ expression. Either it was unconvincing or he’d said too much.

* * *

Over dinner, they did an unsettlingly good impression of a long-established couple. When they were served a salmon-and-roe dish called Mother and Child Reunion, Vetinari darted a perturbed glance at Vimes, and Vimes’ answering look clearly said: don’t be silly, eat it or you’ll be hungry later. Vimes didn’t even flinch when Vetinari casually set his hand on Vimes’ own.

Unsurprisingly, they were given a room containing only one bed.

“I’ll take the floor,” Vimes said, without conviction.

“Not at our age,” Vetinari replied. “I’ll put some pillows down the middle of the bed. Like the Agatean Wall. Fair enough?”

“Fine.” Vimes was already stripping down to his underwear, and Vetinari averted his eyes from the sight of Vimes’ half-naked body, even though he’d committed it to memory instantly: well-muscled but soft around the middle, hairy, tanned, and crisscrossed with scars.

After Vimes extinguished the light, he piped up into the darkness, “It still seems weird how they’re just... okay with it.”

“I’ve always found it odd that we’re not, back home. Some of the most popular Agatean love stories regard couples of the same gender, such as Emperor Ai of Fang and Two White Peaches... don’t snicker, Vimes. His name has nothing to do with backsides.”

“I’m not,” said Vimes, snickering.

“You are. You’re shaking the bed, that’s how much you’re snickering. It’s a beautiful story. Two White Peaches started out as a minor officer of the Forbidden City guard, but Ai -- the emperor, not the pronoun -- saw great potential in him and appointed him the chief of security, as well as commander of, ah, well, all the emperor’s horses, all the emperor’s men, that sort of thing, and had him elevated to the nobility.”

Vimes said nothing, but his silence had an odd vacuum effect. Vetinari didn’t want to fall for his own trick, and yet he couldn’t help filling the silence. “They’re most known for an incident when they were, well... sharing a bed, as it happens, and when Ai woke up, Two White Peaches was asleep on his sleeve, so he cut it off so as not to awaken his lover. I suppose that was quite romantic... no idea why he didn’t just take off the robe.”

Vimes again said nothing. Vetinari realized he’d gone to sleep.

* * *

The next day, Vizier Twoflower proudly introduced them to the Great Wizzard, Official Court Sorcerer of the People's Beneficent Republic of Agatea, Egregious Professor of Cruel and Unusual Geography, Rincewind.

As soon as Rincewind had a second to privately confer with the other two Morporkians, he said, “Don’t worry, I’ll explain to him about you two. The old colleague/partner misunderstanding, was that it?” And he was gone before Vetinari had a chance to stop him.

As Vimes grabbed and kissed him, all Vetinari could think for a second or two was that Vimes must have read the concern on his face. Then he realized he was enjoying this. And it felt like Vimes wasn’t finding it entirely unpleasant either.

“What were you going to tell me?” he heard Twoflower ask Rincewind.

“Er... never mind.”

* * *

That night, they slept together without rebuilding the Agatean Wall of pillows.


End file.
